Voices

I’ve been listening to voices in my head, and I don’t always like what I hear. So, I listen to others, and I pick and choose what I want to hear. Yet, in the midst of listening to the voices, my heart begins to cry out above the noise.

As a seasoned mother, I should know by now what I am doing. I have been taking care of my children for 15 years now. As a wife, I should know how to communicate better. I should been doing so many things differently than the usual outcome. As a friend, I should know how to listen and to share. I have fallen short in many, many ways.

In all of these circumstances, I wish that I could make the bad thoughts go away and usher in the positive encouragement. I struggle so much with myself. The battle rages on inside me like good vs. evil twins. Sometimes I feel so lost and helpless. I convince myself that I am alone in my universe.

And, then, I hear a voice. It could be a friend’s sweet phrase, or a relative’s advice. Someone, a person who cares about me, is encouraging me to find the right path. They are telling me to stay the course, seek my first love, and set my eyes on the goal ahead.

As a human I am fickle. I don’t want to change, but I am constantly bombarded with conflicting messages. Should I join the fight for feminism, or do I stay strong in the traditional role of motherhood? Do I allow my husband to lead the home, or do I take the reins and choose the direction on my own? Do I stand strong and teach my children all that I know, or do I let the world tease their tastebuds of curiosity and mischief? Do I continue to love  and trust the God I believe in, or do I fall prey to the lies that I am all alone?

I am curious, and I want to know. Do you know of any woman who feels this way, too? As women, we have so much pressure to be everything and available at all times. I am awake before dawn, trying to navigate the course of my day. Most days seem to be riding on choppy waters, lately. I forget to pray and put my trust in God to direct my path. I forget to eat, until I am famished and then devour more than I should. I put off the important tasks, and focus on the urgent and mundane routine. I get lost in the sea of the daily grind, and lose my focus on the long distance goals.

I know what I need to be doing. I’ve learned to stop talking so much, but I also need to stop listening to every voice out there, too. My “calling” has been in jeopardy, and I am the only one who can take control of it again. I need to stop and listen to that still small voice. That voice… the one who knows my every thought, who knows the number of hairs on my head, the one who formed me in my mother’s womb. The one who has proven that I am not alone in the universe.